Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
You Might Also Like
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom