Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
You Might Also Like
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
no their not
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much