Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
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The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,