boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
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What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?
Fake Gnus
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Storm Tropical Storm
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?