Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*