boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
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me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.