boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
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Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
A Short Story.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”