boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
You Might Also Like
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye