*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
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ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Auto correct is my worst enema.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess