*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
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Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
🧠
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.