*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”