Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
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mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
based
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.