Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
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Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*