Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
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Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler