Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive