Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*