Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

When ur friends with white people

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.