Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
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Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
The point of your 20s
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
*swipes right on my hand mirror
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone