Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

🙄

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

My time has come.

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE