Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
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My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Beauty and the Beast
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
a New Yorker reject, for you
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.