Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

being a writer on Twitter:

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no