boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
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Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Huge if true.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
*lint rolls you awake*
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
