boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
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Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
tell em, edith-anne
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.