boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
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Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.