Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
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My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Getting married soon just need a spouse
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
All right then, keep your secrets
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.