Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
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Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!