NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
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Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this