Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years