The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
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I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Computer: shutting down
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
my next relationship better be my last because i’m tired of telling guys my favorite color
DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I’M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine