@sock_holliday

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

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@GregDorris

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

@daemonic3

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

@djdarrellripley

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

@SortaBad

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

@notIena

my next relationship better be my last because i’m tired of telling guys my favorite color

@HallowedCrow

DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I’M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.

@3sunzzz

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine