boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
![]()
You Might Also Like
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
what’s more important?
![]()
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.