Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.