boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
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[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth