Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

i- i did not expect this

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.