Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi