Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this was very charming

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

We will we will drink you

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

*pours vodka after bad day*

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it