Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

How tf did it end up there?

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?