boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
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Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!