boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
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Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
🍂🕷️🍂
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.