boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
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Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Cats (2019)
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.