Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone