Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!

Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.