Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…