Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

watergate? u mean a dam??

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

dude it’s called proctologist

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.