Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

*seductively corrects your posture*

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

me: it’s bedtime.

my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life