Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

Cop: get down!

Me: *starts dancing*

Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao