Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan