Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
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Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Every work call, he judges.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.