Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁