Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾