boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
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My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.