boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
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Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.