Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

Thanks to a fan for this one!

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

As the Lord intended

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.