[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
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me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.