Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy