Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.