Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

…..pretty much.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive