Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

LOL

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

i was baptized in a car wash

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.