Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
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Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Born to be mild.