Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

husband: *worrying*

me: I don’t think you should worry about that

husband: well what should I worry about instead then

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.