Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.