Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
You Might Also Like
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Me, reading some of your tweets
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically