Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
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Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos