Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

December birthdays be like…

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”