boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 馃檪
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China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Them: you鈥檙e broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you鈥檙e balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I鈥檓 at work
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
If only.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we鈥檙e running out of time
[trying to impress fianc茅e’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Me: look, I鈥檓 just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn鈥檛 need to change in a phone booth
Her: you鈥檙e like the opposite of joy
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
She: I like Cats
He:
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.