Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
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Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Yoga Matt
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere