Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
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COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
can I use a minion as a tampon
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.