Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

Best seat on the street 😍

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that