Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
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“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Every work meeting this week
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut