Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

peeping toms

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.