Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
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Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Heroic Misunderstanding
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING