Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.

*youngest comes home from school with the flu*

Me: Not like that.

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!