Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
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me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
When a shoelace touches your ankle
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”