Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.