Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
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The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
secret recipe
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes