It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
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You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.